Quotes of: Library-book Keyword

To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

When your action is gone, and all that’s left is motionlessness, I’ll be there, whistling.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

As the ice melted, we fell in love—slowly. I just wish the ice were in two glasses of vodka, and not surrounding our bodies.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My hands will get dirty holding your rose-like heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to be potty trained.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Stupidity mixed with arrogance mixed with anger mixed with adrenaline is a deadly combination. Just as deadly as adding fries and a soda and making it a combo meal.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was attached to his head.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless it’s a sunken statue—in a river of lava.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It’s very hard to whisper in your own ear. Love is an art, but as an artist, I guess I’m no Van Gogh.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A blank canvas is so abstract that only imagination can fill it. But wait! Don't hang it on the wall like that. It's upside down.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

As a sculptor, I prefer busts. As a lover of women, I prefer busts. And as a football enthusiast, I prefer Robert Griffin III.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved. I’m so bloody needy.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine.

This Book is Not FOR SALE