The first thing I think about when I wake up most mornings is the fact that I'm tired. I have been tired for decades. I am tired in the morning and I am tired while becalmed in the slough of the afternoon, and I am tired in the evening, except right ...
With all the care that women do and all the money we spend to maintain our hair, men can at least take the time to wash their face with a simple inexpensive product that will soften their facial hair so they're not hurting us when we go in for a kiss...
Before this DJ thing, I was hopelessly taking things apart to try to figure out how they worked. I'd go mess around with burned-out cars, with my mom's stereo - I was public enemy #1 in my house for that. So my mom noticed that I was interested in th...
After my second, I started working with a nutritionist who specializes in post-baby weight loss. It's called Simply Beautiful Mom. I'm in restaurants all the time because of work, and she actually will look at menus online before I go and she says, '...
When I was a kid, there were no credit cards. Instead, retailers offered layaway plans. My mom would go to a store, such as a furniture outlet, choose the sofa she wanted, and put it on layaway. That meant she put a little money down to hold the sofa...
If I should have a daughter, instead of 'Mom,' she's gonna call me 'Point B,' because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands so she ha...
Now, my mom did not read well and she read 'True Romance' magazines, but she read with me. And she would spend 30 minutes a day, her finger going along the page, and I learned to read. Eventually, by the time I was four and a half, she could iron and...
I made an awful mess of my first marriage. It was hard to live with me being me. I was so abnormal. I mean, most writers struggle. I hadn't struggled. I couldn't suddenly go down to the PEN Club and behave like a normal human being, because most of t...
All my friends were in college when I was making 'Superbad.' We were drinking beer and watching movies and eating pizza. It wasn't like I was going to nice restaurants or anything like that, and I lived like a frat guy. Eventually it was time to grow...
It's not like since I make comics I only read comics and since I make movies I will only go out and watch movies. Any kind of artistic expression interests me; it goes from literature to music to sculpture, painting; whatever is extremely inspiring f...
[first lines] Michael: Check, please. Cathy: Look Daddy, a volcano. [Cathy blows bubbles into her soft drink] Michael: It's very pretty. Drink up your volcano. All right. We're going. Mommy's waiting. Cathy: Daddy, please. Just one more minute.
Angela Hayes: So, you're fucking psycho-boy on a regular basis now? Tell me, has he got a big dick? Jane Burnham: It's not like that. Angela Hayes: What, hasn't he got one? Jane Burnham: I'm not going to talk about his dick with you, OK?
Alan "Hippy" Carnes: What is all this stuff? Ensign Monk: Fluid breathing system, we just got it. You use it when you go really deep. Alan "Hippy" Carnes: How deep? Ensign Monk: Deep. Alan "Hippy" Carnes: HOW deep? Ensign Monk: It's classified.
Bill Sampson: You know, there isn't a playwright in the world who could make me believe this would happen between two adult people. Goodbye, Margo. Margo Channing: Bill? Where are you going? To find Eve? Bill Sampson: That suddenly makes the whole th...
Penny Lane: I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriosuly, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends.
Dennis Hope: [on the airplane which is caught in an electrical storm] I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit and run. I hit him and just kept on going. I don't know if he's alive or dead... but I'm sorry. Not a day goes by I don't see his face...
Ripley: Ash, that transmission... Mother's deciphered part of it. It doesn't look like an S.O.S. Ash: What is it, then? Ripley: Well, I... it looks like a warning. I'm gonna go out after them. Ash: What's the point? I mean by the, the time it takes t...
Vasquez: Look, man. I only need to know one thing: where they are. Drake: Go, Vasquez. Kick ass. Vasquez: Anytime, anywhere, man! Hudson: Right, right. Somebody said "alien" she thought they said "illegal alien" and signed up! Vasquez: Fuck you, man!...
Mortimer Brewster: [watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette] Go on - fight, fight. I don't care. Mortimer Brewster: [watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe] Oh, don't do that. It never works. Mortimer Brewster: [Jonathan...
Jonathan Brewster: [pulling on surgical gloves] And now doctor... we go to work! Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink! Jonathan Brewster: Pull yourself together, doctor! Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drin...
Iago: [taking Genie's lamp] Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you. Jafar: [he switches to Jafar's voice] Excellent work, Iago. Iago: Ah, go on. Jafar: [again] No, really. On a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven. Iago: Oh, Jafar, you're too kind....
