When Alexander the Great visited the philosopher Diogenes and asked whether he could do anything for him, Diogenes is said to have replied: ‘Yes, stand a little less between me and the sun.’ It is what every citizen is entitled to ask of his gove...
I didn't go to bookshops to buy. That's a little bourgeois. I went because they were civilized places. It made me happy there were people who sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote and there were other people who devoted their lives to making those w...
I think people over the age of 6’2” look great. Just look at me! I was born in less than 19.82 inches.
My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.
Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.
I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.
I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.
The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.
The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.
Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday.
I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.
People talk of the “whispering wind.” But what are these secrets of the breeze? I don’t know, but I don't want a gossip to stand downwind of me.
I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.
All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.
Orafoura doesn’t know shit about what I said, said Orafoura, quoting The Mythical Mr. Boo to me about the shit that’s been said about him.
Contrary to popular belief, my experience has shown me that the people who are exceptionally good in business aren't so because of what they know but because of their insatiable need to know more.
I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.
I have made you some things, for when you get back. I understand now, all the baking you sent me, stale and crumbled in brown paper and rough twine. Now you’re away and I am here. So I will make and make until you get back to remind you, and myself...
I wasn't safe. I wasn't permanent. My life was a fiction I had created, like an alien who comes to earth and tries to pass as human. The affections of my friends meant nothing to me, directed, as they were, toward a person who wasn't there. There was...
The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. .. Even in the Eternal City (Rome), says the silent Augusteum, one must always be...
I felt like I was some kind of primitive spring-loaded machine, placed under far more tension than it had ever been built to sustain, about to blast apart at great danger to anyone standing nearby. I imagined my body parts flying off my torso in orde...
