All i have to offer is this: i hold a valid driver's license and I know the way to the hospital. I can hang curtains, flip a mattress, load a dishwasher. I can deliver a pizza, lend a steadying arm, laugh at a morbid joke and compliment a bad wig and...
When people would ask me what I’m addicted to, I always said ‘music.’ And while they’d laugh it off like it’s a cliché, I’m actually a complete shopaholic when it comes to records. I’d literally buy 10 albums a week for years, so when ...
For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. ...
I'm growing fonder of my staff; I'm growing dimmer in my eyes; I'm growing fainter in my laugh; I'm growing deeper in my sighs; I'm growing careless of my dress; I'm growing frugal of my gold; I'm growing wise; I'm growing--yes,-- I'm growing old.
We just got a tour bus. I didn't know tour buses could be this nice. It's just me, Brian Haner the guitar guy, the tour manager and a writer. We laugh ourselves silly. Apparently we're going to have a road dog, a miniature pincher. It's the smallest ...
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [when Carl catches up to him in the print shop in Montrichard] Carl? Carl! Merry Christmas! How is it we're always talking on Christmas, Carl? Every Christmas, I'm talking to you! [laughs] Carl Hanratty: Put your shirt on, Frank....
The Joker: [holds camera facing himself] See, this is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! If you want order in Gotham, Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die, starting tonight. I'm a man of my wor...
Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it. Fred McDade: Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go. Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] Gru: I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, hav...
Frank Costello: Who let this IRA motherfucker in my bar? [the man looks startled] Frank Costello: [laughs] Only kidding. How's your mother? Man in Costello's Bar: Oh... I'm afraid she's on her way out. Frank Costello: [walks away] We all are. Act acc...
Dr. King Schultz: Oh, Monsiuer Candie, you can't imagine what it's like not to hear your mother tongue in four years. Calvin Candie: Well hell, I can't imagine two weeks in Boston! Stephen: [Stephen laughs out loud] "Two weeks in Boston!" Monsiuer Ca...
Clarence Anglin: What movie is playing this week? John Anglin: Some cowboy piece of shit. [goes into Italian-American voice] John Anglin: 'ey, least dey could show was a gangsta movie! [laughs] Frank Morris: I may have found a way out of here. [the g...
Deputy Sergeant Arthur Gault: [Preston sluices Rambo with a fire hose] Hey, Preston! Make sure you get him behind the ears! Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Mitch leaves in disgust] Deputy Sergeant Arthur Gault: What's the matter, Mitch? Don't you like water sports? [c...
Joe: I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. You see, my mule don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughin' at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.
Don Corleone: How's your boy? Michael: He's good. Don Corleone: You know, he looks more like you every day. Michael: He's smarter than I am. Three years old, and he can already read the funny papers. Don Corleone: [laughs] Read the funny papers...
Andy: Watch this. [Data's father takes a camera out of his jacket and proceeds to take a picture but the film falls out. Andy starts laughing] Andy: He's just like his father. Data: [in Chinese] That's okay daddy. You can't hug a photograph. Mr. Wang...
Andrew Largeman: [to Sam while a dog humps his leg] Got any suggestions? Sam: [laughing] What? Andrew Largeman: [louder] You got any suggestions? Sam: Yeah, kick his balls. Kick his balls! Andrew Largeman: I don't wanna destroy future generations of ...
Howl: The Witch of the Waste and Madame Sulliman's dog at my table? What possessed you to let them in my house Calcifer: I didn't let them in here! Sophie crash landed her plane into my face! Howl: [Laughs] Old Sophie: Hmph! Howl: I knew she'd make a...
John: We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killin me! I was framed, I'm innocent, I don't want to go! Paul: Sorry for disturbing you, girls! John: I betchya can't guess what I was in for! ...
Catherine: I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you. It's not funny, don't laugh. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I love you so much I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Yvette: [to Louis] Are you not hungry, sir? Lestat: Aux contraire, mon cher, he could eat the whole colony. [starts to laugh] Louis: [as Yvette starts to pick up Louis's plate, he grabs her arm and looks at the veins in her neck] I'll finish it, Yvet...
[Indy threatens to drop the Sankara stones into the gorge] Indiana Jones: You want the stones, let 'em go! [the Thuggees stop, uncertain. Willie smirks at Mola Ram] Indiana Jones: Let 'em go! Mola Ram: [laughs] Drop them, Dr. Jones! They will be foun...
