Part of my writing style can be attributed to my mother's impatience with comedy, because whenever I told her a story she would say, 'Yeah, yeah, just tell me: is it good for you or bad for you?' Consequently, I think, I was always afraid to indulge ...
One day you’re going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won’t even notice you because she’s too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes. And it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and r...
All i have to offer is this: i hold a valid driver's license and I know the way to the hospital. I can hang curtains, flip a mattress, load a dishwasher. I can deliver a pizza, lend a steadying arm, laugh at a morbid joke and compliment a bad wig and...
Animula vagula blandula Hospes comesque corporis Quae nunc abibis? In Loca Pallidula rigida nudula nec ut soles dabis Iocos. Little soul, you charming little wanderer, my body's guest and partner, where are you off to now? somewhere without colour, s...
Reactionary conservatives are smiling through the racial apocalypse. To them, race baiting is a joke, as 'humorist' Rush Limbaugh will tell you when he's calling Mexicans 'stupid.' Or it's a matter of semantics when they claim that Sonia Sotomayor is...
White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! ...
We have come to expect campaigns to be mean and stupid and politicians to be unresponsive, self-seeking and for sale to the highest bidder. We make jokes about our vice president, and all we ask of a president is that he be likeable. We seem to have ...
When I listen to the complaints that follow just about every presidential debate, I'm reminded of the well-worn joke about the Jewish mother who buys her son two shirts. When he shows up at dinner wearing one, she says: 'What's the matter? You didn't...
I tell you it's no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don't think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seem...
Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it. Fred McDade: Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go. Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] Gru: I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, hav...
Raoul Duke: Take me back to the pits. Lacerda: No, no no no! We have to go on! We need *total* coverage! Raoul Duke: [Narrating] It was time, I felt, for an agonizing reappraisal of the whole scene. Raoul Duke: You're fired! [Lacerda looks at him lik...
Barry: I wanna date a musician. Rob Gordon: I wanna live with a musician. She'd write songs at home and ask me what I thought of them, and maybe even include one of our little private jokes in the liner notes. Barry: Maybe a little picture of me in t...
Simon Foster: I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean? I mean in here... now. Limo Driver: Do you want girls? Simon Foster: No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. I hate hookers. Not in ...
Max Denoff: [telling a joke to the train passengers] Woman always mess up my last name. I was with a girl the other night and she kept calling me "Getoff." She was like, "Getoff! Getoff!" I'm like, "No, it's Denoff. Denoff." She says, "No, you're fat...
Alvy Singer: Oh my God, she's right. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was beautiful, she was willing. She was real intelligent. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I'm - I just don't want to belong to any club that would have someone like m...
A word that turns up in TNR’s literary pieces is “tasteless. “ They use it in the same way you might reprove a toilet joke at the dinner table or around relatives. But with them it takes on moral weight. It’s a very damaging mistake: the idea...
You know what’s really, powerfully sexy? A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. … Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by an innoce...
You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?' He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reser...
Must be weird for you, having your mom here." "Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad." "Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room." "Cal," I said with moc...
Just hear me out. While you were napping, I was busy chatting up our allies. Didn't you know--your woman's a golden-tongued ambassador! My sisters always said I graduated from the shock-and-awe school of diplomacy, but joke 'em if they can't take a f...
I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately tryin...
