Life is a game that you win when you solve the puzzle of yourself.
I've never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I've never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.
I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.
A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.
I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.
Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.
Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.
Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect.
I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.
Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.
If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.
Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.
Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.
I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.
Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.
I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.
Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.
