The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.
What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?
I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.
I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.
A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.
Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.
Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.
The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.
I couldn't decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.
I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.
When she walked out of my life, I raced after her. I was scrambling like scrambled eggs that were runny.
If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis.
The only difference between you today and a year from now are the people you know and what you have learned.
When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.
Academic failure contributes to poverty and poor health and undermines workforce productivity in ways that harm the entire society.
Ophelia was surprised by how easily she lied. She had two stolen keys in her pocket, and the lies were sliding off her tongue. Soon, she'd probably be shoplifting. She expected that was how it started.
I’m not going to tell you how to start a bug-powered vehicle, I’m just going to put you inside one with somebody who knows how, and send you off on a ride.
I needed, I decided, to really know her, because I needed more to remember. Before I could begin the shameful process of forgetting the how and the why of her living and dying, I needed to learn it: How. Why. When. Where. What.
Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use...
Love is that micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another living being
How did I not see it? Pain is everywhere. I'm just another sorry story. All these people wearing smiles, dragging themselves around--do they all know already? Do they realize how fast the world can change?
