If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your enemies wisely. My enemy is so great he won’t be born like a normal man. Oh, not Immaculate Conception like my God, but h...
On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.
The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.
It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only ever be reactionary.
I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.
I’ll work hard to win fame and recognition from the public, and then I’ll work hard to remain anonymous and unrecognizable and become as private as a hermit. I’ll be hermaphroditic with my notoriety, embodying both ends of the spectrum as I ...
I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot me while I am laying flat on my back.
Bio I never got around to using: Jarod is a best-selling author reader. He has given speeches in over .5 countries, and addressed over 15,000 people, mannequins, and letters. He has been described as “Hard to hear, hard to understand, and hard to w...
If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.
Social progress: for the same price as last year, I get a slimmer candy bar, less chips per bag, and I have to walk a little further to work, because to spend the same amount on gas I have to continuously park farther and farther away from the buildi...
Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy dinner down the drain. It was so good I couldn’t bear to eat it. Shh don’t talk, let me hold this thoughtlessness in my empty mind.
I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest prison system in history. Freedom Soup sounds like a good name fo...
Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret society plotting to take over the world. But that’s utter nonsense. That group meets on Sundays, and takes place in the sunshine, where no...
Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.
I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune telling prowess is improving.
The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to shape up, they should be imprisoned. Nothing is healthier for society than more government regulation.
I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s all—not even a cumulative minute—and that’s why I only ever earn seconds. Still, I’d rather have time and silver than g...
I want to make a coffee table that consists of a slab of wood supported by four crutches. That way, if a guest ever comes up to me and says, "I accidentally broke one of the legs on your coffee table," I could respond, "Don't worry, those legs are se...
If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth.
Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing "Yes We Have No Bananas Today" in the hall so loud the police were calle...
I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the postcards are for sale—and not my love. No, my love is for rent.
