Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be inspirational to my poetry.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I say your breasts are perfect, don’t tell me I’m wrong—prove me wrong by showing me. If more people voted with their wallets, more strippers would be elected officials.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

An anonymous man has no power, because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength, because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you in veneration.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’d like to make a statement, and I’d like to make it out of my own small intestines.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them all one watch, because we all share time, so they can share the watch.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny lasso.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I heard you calling out to me, but I almost didn’t reply because you were using another guy’s name.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I found her love in the dumpster. Well, if he threw it away, I see no reason why I can’t keep it. I’m so into her you’d think I was homeless.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

His name was Chase, so to make things interesting, I gave him a bit of a head start. Sort of like I do when pursuing a woman that I love.

This Book is Not FOR SALE