Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

There’s bacon in my bed. Extra crispy, like the fresh dollar bills stuffed in the mattress. I make love like I make sure I’m prepared for the next financial crisis.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

She asked for all my love, and I said, “Sure, let me just go to the nearest ATM.” I wonder if she knows it’s all fake and inflated.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I rearranged the letters of the word “neologism” to make the word neologism itself a neologism, as well as an anagram. The new word I made? It happens to be the name of the spaceship I’m building: Moon Legs I.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering people’s names—even if that person is me.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m in the middle between a pessimist and an optimist. I take full responsibility for the glass half full. Well, I take half-full responsibility. But if it were full of beer, I’d take full responsibility.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.

This Book is Not FOR SALE