Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're having,” I always reply, "Irrigation and crop rotation.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Dinner was good. The conversation was great, but the food was bad, so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I asked her out on a date, and she said, “Sorry, I can’t see you.” “That’s no problem,” I replied, “I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

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If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high, but I’d still only be able to palm a Sunday once a year.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Of all the ways to murder someone, slowly, over the course of about 75 years or so, is the best way to not get caught. Nobody, not even Sherlock Holmes, would suspect a thing.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of my love.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

This Book is Not FOR SALE