An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.
When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label me a romantic.
The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late.
Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter, and then I work in the brown field.
There’s a little angel on one of my shoulders saying that this is a wicked thing to do. Then there’s a little devil on my other shoulder, and she looks a lot like you.
He wasn’t gullible enough to be bullied by the ghost’s accusation – for Andrew Fletcher had his share of guilt, but he’d never thrown anyone down a well, either.
I’ve had a lot of lieutenants over the years, and all the good ones were sick, sick individuals. You might be the best one yet.
How you approach birth is intimately connected with how you approach life
Papa thought that any book worth reading twice was worth owning. So instead of buying desserts, we bought books.
Art has no influence upon action. It annihilates the desire to act. It is superbly sterile. The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.
A sudden peace and excitement washes over me at the sound of a voice I’ve never heard, yet I know so well.
I'll pretty much try any cheese, but I have found that I prefer young goats and old cows. I don't like gray areas.
Thus I rediscovered what writers have always known (and have told us again and again): books always speak of other books, and every story tells a story that has already been told.
You have a perfect right to consign us all to hell, rector, but you must allow us the choice of how we get there.
Sometimes a person who is utterly devoid of charm will try to create a good impression by using very elegant language; yet he only succeeds in being ridiculous.
Maybe this is why we read, and why in moments of darkness we return to books: to find words for what we already know.
These people,” he had said with his inscrutable smile, “are different from us. They don’t care about books and such things.
I am eternally grateful for my knack of finding in great books, some of them very funny books, reason enough to feel honored to be alive, no matter what else might be going on.
Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.
As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.
I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.
