At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup.
Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.
I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.
I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!
She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.
I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.
Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!
I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.
The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.
When I was a child, books were everything. And so there is in me, always, a nostalgic, yearning for the lost pleasure of books. It is not a yearning that one ever expects to be fulfilled.
Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.
I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.
His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?
I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.
I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.
Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.
I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.
My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.
It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.
I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.
It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?
