Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.

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I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

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I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

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If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

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I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

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I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like a chicken.

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If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

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I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look “too fat.

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If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

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Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to lick her living word machine (mouth).

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I don’t mince words—I mincemeat. And combining these two I’m writing a cookbook called, “101 Pies I’ve Never Eaten—And Neither Should You.

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I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.

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I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my computer screen.

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Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.

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I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

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My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

This Book Has No Title

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

This Book Has No Title