Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that women like that I’m like that.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it’s all funny money.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my wallet.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes for goats too, you pervert.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My zip code is my salary. Too bad I live in 32256 and not 90210.
Also, I lied—but only because the zip code 00000 does not exist.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m trying to be a better gangsta, so I’m learning how to play the ukulele. I'm also trying to figure out how to rap a romance novel, like The Notebook.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks