Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m trying to cover all my bases so I can be a complete baseball nonplayer. I’ve already not bought a bat, a glove, and a bed to sleep on.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I haven't personally met God yet, but when I do, I'll ask him if he still believes in you. I'm sure he does.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The birds fly south for the winter not because it’s cold, but because they have wings. Similarly, love has the ultimate flight pattern, and that pattern is plaid.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet remain detached from any personal blame.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m hard to love, but I love hard, like my heart is the sun yearning to tan your naked body. I promise I won’t burn you.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I would visit Hawaii, but I’m not that strong of a swimmer. My strength is all in my heart, and I love like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body looks.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Books. People have no idea how beautiful books are. How they taste on your fingers. How bright everything is when you light it with words.

Tolstoy Lied: A Love Story

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I know a lot about forming personal connections with people. Not from, you know, personal interaction or anything, but from reading about it alone, in silence.

This Book is Not FOR SALE