Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me put it in.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was playing cribbage in the nursing home.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at you with?) My love for you is Louis Braillesque.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just puke.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a glorious day to be alive and in love.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like mental mayonnaise, we'd have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet painting, while mine is realistic, like a Rembrandt.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has more vision. Barely.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Drawing on my past experiences, I used a lot of erasers. My aging wisdom is starting to look a lot like a nude portrait of Alice Neel.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.

This Book is Not FOR SALE