Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.

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With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.

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I am the alphabet soup of love. Eat me or read me, but don’t feed me to the cats.

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I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less. 

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It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.

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The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to hold it down.

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I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.

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I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.

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When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.

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When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased. 

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Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.

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The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.

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My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

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-I’m looking for a man—  -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?

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We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.

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I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.

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I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.

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When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.

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Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?

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I let the feeling wash over me, and then I dried off with a fur coat and went for a walk on my unicycle.

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I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

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