Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.

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As an extreme method of saving, I’d kidnap myself, if I thought I’d actually pay the ransom money before I committed suicide.

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She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?

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I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.

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I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.

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I think I have a strange thing growing out of my neck that causes me to think too much.

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I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I took a shortcut and saved a ton of time. Literally 2,000 pounds of it. Now I have extra time and love to give to you.

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When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.

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I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.

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I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.

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I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.

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I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.

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He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

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Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.

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I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).

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Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.

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In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.

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You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.

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I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

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