For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of the other.
Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.
The Nike Swoosh looks like a crowbar used to pry apart tight wallets. In other words, it looks like a politician’s smile.
I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning.
Don’t kill animals! Kill people who kill animals! Those animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated! Also, the animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated!
If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?
I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.
I always thought I’d make a great backup singer. I don’t practice. It’s just pure talent.
I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.
My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from the sky first.
Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.
My nostrils smell, but not to you. Oh, they have no odor, unless you count the scent of nostalgia, which is what they always smell like.
What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.
He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.
The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.
If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.
I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.
I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.
I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.
I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?
Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.
