I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!
If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like rage.
We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.
When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.
Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.
To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.
I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?
I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.
In my experience, I’ve found myself to be inexperienced. But at least I found myself. Some people spend their lives searching in vain.
Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).
I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.
I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.
It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.
I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.
My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!
I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.
My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.
I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.
I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.
I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.
Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.
