Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.

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I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.

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I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.

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For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.

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Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.

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I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.

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The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.

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I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.

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When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

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Ears of corn can listen better than me when they’re still in the ground.

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Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.

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I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

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I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.

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I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.

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I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.

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I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.

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A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.

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Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.

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I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.

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I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.

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The only nutritional sustenance I need is praise, flattery, and potassium in the form of bananas.

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