Quotes of: Holy-book Keyword

Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

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A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.

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Loyalty is for the dogs. Count me among the cats. And count me twice—once for each of my faces.

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Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.

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Don’t expect my hand to extend out of her vagina and accept the charity of strangers.

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I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking? 

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My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

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In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

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I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

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If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.

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I wear a helmet when I write, because if you’re doing it right, writing is dangerous.

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Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.

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More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.

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-Is he dead?  -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

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Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

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In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

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To treat everyone equally is offensive, because it fails to recognize anyone as an individual.

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You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.

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If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.

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There are an infinite number of reasons to say no. Instead, try to focus on one good reason to say yes.

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I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.

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