Quotes of: History-book Keyword

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don't sit on material like a sofa. I also don't sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

This Book Has No Title

I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

This Book Has No Title

Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.

This Book Has No Title

The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!

This Book Has No Title

My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.

This Book Has No Title

-I’m 60-years-old.  -Ma’am, I don’t believe it.  -You’re too kind.  -It’s true. You look at least 75.

This Book Has No Title

I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.

This Book Has No Title

Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off. 

This Book Has No Title

I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).

This Book Has No Title

Baby toys were left at my door. Either someone’s trying to get my attention, or I have the attention span of an infant.

This Book Has No Title

I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?

This Book Has No Title

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

This Book Has No Title

-Do you see that?  -Yeah, what is it?  -That’s the truth.  -How can you tell it’s the truth?  -Because it’s ugly.

This Book Has No Title

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

This Book Has No Title

Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.

This Book Has No Title

Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.

This Book Has No Title

It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.

This Book Has No Title

I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.

This Book Has No Title