Quick! What aisle are the douches in? I've got three bitches at the beach cottage and they all stick to high heaven."... "You do carry Massengill, don't you? That's the best brand, according to my research." "Ah..." What kind of man researches douche...
I’d once had a long-term relationship with a Five Point Five that got nowhere near living together. This was because I was a Two Point Five, he was a Five Point Five and he wanted a Nine Point Five. Therefore, we were both destined for a broken hea...
He'd only been gone two seconds, but the room got brighter when they were together, as if they were two elements that became brilliant in proximity. At Sam's clumsy efforts to carry the vacuum, Grace smiled a new smile that I thought only he ever got...
Now, with regard to the people who have done things we call "terrorism," I'm confident they have been expressing their pain in many different ways for thirty years or more. Instead of our empathically receiving it when they expressed it in much gentl...
I’m not the only kid who grew up this way. Surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme about sticks and stones. As if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called, and we got called them all. So we grew up believing no one would ever fal...
That was a !" he said. "An evil spirit! The peasants down in the valleys hang up charms against them! But I thought they were just a superstition!" "No, they're a substition," said Susan. "I mean they're real, but hardly anyone really believes them. ...
Bill arrives with a grin about something. Sure, he's got some jets for my machine and knows right were they are. I'll have to wait a second though. He's got to close a deal out in back on some Harley parts. I go with him out in a shed in back and see...
With the evolution of Us came the evolution of Them. The original Them was anyone who wasn’t blood related — Them was pretty much everyone. Over time, as the number of people in Us got bigger, Them got smaller. Them now might mean anyone in any o...
Why did you bother coming here at all?" "For my work. That's my profession. Writing about important things that are happening in the world." "I'm curious to know what exactly you wrote about Gulu. What important thing has been happening here in our t...
Several Terminal Policy readers got together to tell Raker jokes: - Raker CAN piss into the wind. - Raker donates a lot of blood to the Red Cross -- just never his own. - Superman wears Raker pajamas. - When Raker jumps into the pool, he doesn't get ...
Ron Woodroof: Do you ever miss your regular life? Dr. Eve Saks: Regular life? What is that? It doesn't exist. Ron Woodroof: Yeah, I guess. No, I know, I just... I just wanna... Dr. Eve Saks: What? Ron Woodroof: Ice-cold beer, a little riding in. Well...
Stan: Alright you guys, whoever took my boots, I want them back. Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass! Stan: Hey Mike, lemme borrow your spears, eh? Michael: No, Stan. Stan: No? What do you mean no? Michael: Just what I said, no. No me...
Karen Holmes: Don't try to be gallant, Sergeant. If you think this is a mistake, come right out and say so... Well, I guess it's about time for me to be heading home, isn't it?... Well, isn't it? Sergeant Milton Warden: What's the matter? What starte...
Cormac McLaggen: No hard feelings, eh, Weasley? Ron Weasley: What do you mean? Cormac McLaggen: I'll be trying out for Gryffindor Keeper too. Nothing personal. Ron Weasley: Really? Big, strapping fellow like you? You look like you've got more of a Be...
Vincent Hanna: My life's a disaster zone. I got a stepdaughter so fucked up because her real father's this large-type asshole. I got a wife, we're passing each other on the down-slope of a marriage - my third - because I spend all my time chasing guy...
Kent Mansley: Please, Sir, I've got a feeling about this one. General Rogard: That's nice, Mansley, but let me explain how things are supposed to work. If you had, say, a footprint, I might be able to send over an expert to make a plaster cast of it....
Carl Denham: Wait a minute, what about Kong? Jack Driscoll: Well, what about him? Carl Denham: We can here to get a moving picture, and we've found something worth more than all the movies in the world! Captain Englehorn: [incredulous] What? Carl Den...
Sebastian: This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life! [Ariel pats him on the head] Sebastian: I hope that you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady! Now, we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss y...
Mr. Pink: Mr. Blonde! What happened to you? We figured you were dead. Hey! You okay? Did you see what happened to Blue? We didn't know what happened to you and Blue, that's what we were wondering about. [Blonde doesn't answer] Mr. Pink: Come on! Look...
Charlie Fineman: I don't need to talk about her or look at pictures. 'Cause the truth is, a lot of times, I see her, on the street. I walk down the street, I see her in someone else's face. Clearer than any of the pictures you carry with you. I get t...
Avi: You got a toothbrush? We're going to London. Do you hear that, Doug? I'm coming to London. [Avi arrives in London] Doug the Head: Avi! Avi: Shut up and sit down, you big, bald fuck. I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don...
