Conrad "Con" Jarrett: I made a 74 on a trig quiz. Beth Jarrett: Oh really? Gosh I was awful at trig. Conrad "Con" Jarrett: Oh. Really? You took trig? Beth Jarrett: No... wait a minute... ha, did I take trig? Huh... anyway, I bought you two shirts the...
[the Toons gather around Judge Doom's remains] Mickey Mouse: Gosh, I wonder who he really was? Bugs Bunny: I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit. Daffy Duck: Or a duck. Goofy: Or a dog. Pinocchio: Or a little wooden boy. Big Bad Wolf: Or...
I noticed there were so many people, especially women, who would come up to me having recognized me from TV and say, 'I heard you were a math person, why math? Oh my gosh, I could never do math!' I could just see their self-esteem crumbling; I though...
Grits are hot; they are abundant, and they will by-gosh stick to your ribs. Give your farmhands (that is, your children) cold cereal for breakfast and see how many rows they hoe. Make them a pot of grits and butter, and they’ll hoe till dinner and ...
Deana Carter sings about it. Lady Antebellum sings about it. Eric Church. Gosh, not just country artists. Katy Perry. Everybody has a song about it because everybody's been through it. You find that person at eighteen and you lose yourself. And the t...
Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is a custom designed green leather sofa that is curvy, and from the sid...
Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket. But the best part was that her boots almost matched her jacket. I think she’s on to something. Why let the fact that you’re 65-year...
He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the talking). The day he does respond to me will probably be ...
This core concept is so fundamental to her life that she even had a custom grand piano made where the keys aren’t black and white—they’re green and red. As a side note, do you think it’s a coincidence that Christmas’ colors are red and gree...
Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people fli...
My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time on the moon. And my nose is so long that my penis is jealous....
In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some money and automate the front desk position, because they didn’t have to pay Robert, there was no fear of legal action being brough...
But I had come down here for a reason. I was looking for Thor. It was Saturday, so he was most likely relaxing the only way he knows how. I walked over to the third section of books to the left of the door, looked at the third row up, and found the t...
When I went in the secret chamber, Thor was indeed there. A small room, the walls are entirely covered with loose slips of paper with math formulas on them, along with dirty napkins pinned up with quickly jotted math theorems on them from whichever r...
In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and in fact, Thor has an Erdős number of three. This means that Thor studied with someone who studied with someone who studied with Paul Er...
It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I mean of course rounds of golf played at the pres...
I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I wanted a life so good even Scarface would want to scarf it up.
You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick ...
We're dealing here," said Vimes, "With a twisted mind." "Oh, no! You think so?" "Yes." "But... no... you can't be right. Because Nobby was with us all the time." "Not Nobby," said Vimes testily. "Whatever he might do to a dragon, I doubt if he'd make...
My gosh," I said, "another human being." "You'll never know how human," she said. "Maybe I will," I said. "I could try." I did try, and I do try, and I give you the toast of a happy man: May the warm springs of the girl pool never run dry. --"Girl Po...
Batman: You know, I don't want to spoil the party but, does anyone notice that we're stuck in the middle of the ocean on this couch? Do you know what kind of sunburn I'm going to get? None, 'cause I'm covered in latex, but you guys are going to get s...
