Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.
I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.
My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.
It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.
I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.
It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?
We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become redundant.
I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.
Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.
A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).
Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.
Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.
The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?
I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and the other wing.
I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.
The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.
I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.
I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.
Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.
I don’t have a blue-collar job. It’s more of a green collar, because of all the yellow sweat stains mixing in.
I was honored at the awards ceremony. I didn’t get any recognition, but I was honored to be there. (Tickets were cheaper than I imagined!)
