I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.
I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.
Science doesn’t listen. Science has mice growing out of its ears. Wait, I mean human ears growing out of its mice.
An ear shaped like a question mark is not receptive to life’s answers.
By the time I tell you to start doing something, it’s time for you to stop listening and start doing. Especially if what I tell you to do is start listening.
This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.
I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.
I want to buy “A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.
II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.
I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.
To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.
Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.
My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.
I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.
There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.
I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.
I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.
I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that women like that I’m like that.
I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it’s all funny money.
Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my wallet.
I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.
