After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.
It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, “Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.
If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.
For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.
You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.
I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.
I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the guy who built that bridge.
My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.
Her name was Rose, and I’d hoped that one day our love would blossom like her name. It didn’t, so today it lives on atop a grave.
If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.
There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.
He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.
A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.
Why are desire scales 1-10? They should be 1-12, like a clock, because I want her 1-12, I mean like all the time.
God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.
My mother-in-law scared the hell out of me. But it’s cool, because the stench of Satan reminds me of her anyways. Hungry? Deviled eggs anyone?
My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.
I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.
I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.
I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it was still too heavy for you to lift.
I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.
