I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?
In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.
The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.
Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?
When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.
If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.
I wear a wedding ring, though I’m neither married nor engaged. I do it to warn off predators like cougars. And grizzly bears.
For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.
We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.
I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?
Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right.
If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.
Even if I didn’t have to deal with traffic and could teleport, I’d still be late all the time. The only difference is my excuses would have to be more efficient.
I think that its easy to think of the environment as all doom and gloom and that, 'What can we do, it's too late. And the polar bears are gone, and everything is gone.' But really, just the little steps that we can make as individuals make a big diff...
I became a novelist because of 'Gone With the Wind,' or more precisely, my mother raised me up to be a 'Southern' novelist, with a strong emphasis on the word 'Southern' because 'Gone With the Wind' set my mother's imagination ablaze when she was a y...
Songs really are like a form of time travel because they really have moved forward in a bubble. Everyone who's connected with it, the studio's gone, the musicians are gone, and the only thing that's left is this recording which was only about a three...
Patrick Kenzie: [upon seeing crowds of people in front of Helene's house] Look at this. Jesus. Fucking bloc party here. Four Cape Verdeans got killed here last year. No one gave a shit.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Gone! Gone! We've got to find him, you understand? We've got to find him before he kills someone! What have I done? Oh God in Heaven! What have I done?
The trial of Ernst Zundel has gone down in Canadian history.
For a second, my hand touched yours, but that second is gone, and cannot be seen, heard or felt ever again. This second is gone, too, the moment in which I spoke by your side. It is dead. Let it die.
On the hill behind her crows flew one by one into the bare trees, arranging their dark blots in the scrim of branches and adding their warnings to the drear sounds of this day. Gone, gone, they rasped. Here was a dead world learning to speak in disso...
