If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.
He not only stood three inches taller than me, but I sold him two of those three inches. (The third inch I tossed in for free.)
I’ll sell you one shoe for half off, since it’s half the set. But if you want the second shoe, it’ll cost you twice as much.
How many indecisive people does it take to change the world? Just one. And then just one, the same one, to change it back.
I have an erection. I just got it. It was an early Christmas present. Do you think she’ll be mad that I unwrapped it early?
My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?
Communism: If nobody owned anything, and everybody owned everything, there’d be no reason to work for something, because not only could you not have it—but you’d already have it.
I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.
The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.
Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.
Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.
I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.
My love grows long, and my smile is wide. My gaze is deep, and my penchant for making up words is apopleggio.
Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.
I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.
The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.
If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.
Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.
Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.
With a person I respect, I wash my hands before I shake their hand. With a person I don’t respect, I wash my hands after I shake their hand.
I could open my mail, but isn’t the mystery more fun? So you see, I’m not disorganized after all. I’m a romantic.
