One time I was doing a speech to a group of kids, and just before I get there, I see this little kid crying. I found out they just lost a game, and he was the losing pitcher. I went over there, put my arm around him, and said, 'What are you crying fo...
I'm shy. I am. I mean, if I get around, you know, in a room of a bunch of people especially I - you know, I don't know or - it takes me a while to warm up. I'm - and the real me, I'm not as witty as, you know, as the comic Wanda. The comic, she's had...
Mr. Daws: Did I ever tell you I been struck by lightning seven times? Once when I was just sittin' in my truck just minding my own business: [brief footage of a man getting struck by lightning]
Boss Jim Gettys: You're the greatest fool I've ever known, Kane. If it was anybody else, I'd say what's going to happen to you would be a lesson to you. Only you're going to need more than one lesson. And you're going to get more than one lesson.
Captain, Road Prison 36: You run one time, you got yourself a set of chains. You run twice you got yourself two sets. You ain't gonna need no third set, 'cause you gonna get your mind right.
Vincent: Lady Macbeth. Leave the seats. The light's green. We're sitting here. Max: [a car horn honks behind Max. The car whips around them to get through the intersection] Asshole! Vincent: You no longer have the cleanest cab in La-La Land. You gott...
Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced? Cal's Boss: Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer. Cal: Oh... Cal's Boss: Thank God, man... *laughing* Cal: Yeah, just my relationship...
Alex: Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!
Nicky Santoro: [about beating Tony Dogs to get information out of him] You better hope he gives me a fuckin' name soon, or I'm gonna give him yours, Frank. Frank Marino: Yeah, thanks a lot. Nicky Santoro: I know you woulda ratted by now.
[last lines] Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting o...
Ralphie: Heh, I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys. Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.
Plantiveau, le concierge: Watch out, ma'am. That's the deep part where you are. Christina Delassalle: There is no danger. I can swim. Plantiveau, le concierge: That don't mean a thing. It's always the ones who know how that get drowned. The ones who ...
Donnie Brasco: Hey Richie, what are you trying to do, get me killed with that fucking suit? Richard 'Richie' Gazzo: What? Donnie Brasco: That fucking car, purple fucking car. Don't say the word plotz, you understand? Richard 'Richie' Gazzo: Yeah, yea...
Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my stepdad. He has emotional problems. Donnie: Oh, I have those, too. What kind of emotional problems does your dad have? Gretchen: He stabbed my mom four times in the chest. Donnie: Oh.
Rose Darko: I don't think telling any woman to forcibly insert an object into her anus is something that should go without consequence. Edward Darko: I think we should buy him a moped. Rose Darko: I think we should get a divorce.
TV Director: Roll the rescue stations! TV Producer: We just got a report that half those stations have been knocked out. TV Director: Then get me another list. TV Producer: Sure, I'll just pull one out of my ass, right?
Commissioner Gillian B. Loeb: [regarding The Joker's threat on his life] You're unlikely to discover this for yourself, so take my word, the police commissioner gets a lot of threats. I found the appropriate response to these situations a long time a...
Lewis: Do know what's gonna be here? Right here? A lake. As far as the eyes can see. Hundreds of feet deep. HUNDREDS of feet deep. Did you ever look out over a lake and think of somethin' buried underneath it? Buried underneath it. Well man, that's j...
[first lines] Margot Mary Wendice: let me get you another drink. Mark, before Tony comes I ought to explain something. Mark Halliday: Yes, I've been waiting for that. Margot Mary Wendice: I haven't told him anything about us.
Margo: Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust? Edith, Agnes, Jerry the Minion, Stuart the Minion: OOOOHHHH, stuffed crust. Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust! [Agnes giggles] Agnes: You're funny! Gru: Just don't come out of that room again!
Driver: [on the phone with Irene] Can I talk to you? I won't keep you long. I have to go somewhere and I don't think I can come back. But I just wanted you to know. Getting to be around you and Benicio was the best thing that ever happened to me.
