Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question? Lisa: Sure. Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it? Lisa: What do you mean? Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here? Lisa: No. Alan Garner: I didn't think...
Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly? Lisa: What do you mean? Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper. Lisa: I'm not sure. Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business. Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in yo...
Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you. Melissa: Fuck off! Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license. Melissa: Suck my dick. Alan Garner: No, thank you.
Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look. [laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating] Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis. Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro. Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.
Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil. Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out. Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up. Tracy Garner: What are you talking about? Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Th...
Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet? Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man. Alan Garner: Do you know Stu? Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something. Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right? Stu Price: No I don't ...
Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close? Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong? Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here. Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan? Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hun...
Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died. Phil Wenneck: How'd he die? Alan Garner: World War II. Phil Wenneck: Died in battle? Alan Garner: No, he was ...
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay? Alan Garner: Oh, really? Doug Billings: It's not easy. Alan Garner: Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he w...
Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter? Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan. Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not g...
Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT! Alan Garner: Gosh darn it! Phil Wenneck: SHIT! Alan Garner: Shoot!
[In the wedding] Alan Garner: How's my hair? Stu Price: That's good. Alan Garner: It's cool like Phil's? Stu Price: It's classic Phil.
Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it. Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that... Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't c...
Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there. Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either. [the old man walks away] Alan Garne...
[last lines] Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence. Stu Price: I say we delete it right now. Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there? Alan ...
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him. Doug Billings: Understood. Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm? Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night. Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was. Alan Garner: Are you okay?
Alan Garner: [while getting fitted for a tux] Whoa, watch it, pervert! Doug Billings: It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam. Alan Garner: He's getting very close to my shaft.
Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby? Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before. Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where? Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Jennifer Garner and I are very close.
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you? Alan Garner: Wearing what? Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me? Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on...
