I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.
You think you're funny? I think I'm adorable.
Lester: If it bends, it's funny. If it breaks, it isn't.
Django: [while whipping Roger Brittle] Keep it funny!
Rani: Foreigners find Lajpat Nagar very funny!
I want my personal life to be personal.
teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say "I wish someone would drop a bomb on this school right now," that means they have arrang...
New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitize...
New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.
New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's ho...
New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hid...
Andrew Largeman: They sent me to boarding school because they thought I might be dangerous. [mocking Sam] Andrew Largeman: Oh, are you freaked out? You're like so freaked out. You're like running for the door. You can go, it's okay, don't feel bad. S...
Charlie Kaufman: [voice over] Okay, we open with Laroche. He's funny. Okay. He says, "I love to mutate plants". He says "Mutation is fun". Okay, we show flowers and... okay. We have to have the court case. Okay, we show Laroche. Okay, he says "I was ...
All I've learned in today's Shakespeare class is: Sometimes you have to fall in love with the wrong person just so you can find the right person. A more useful lesson would've been: Sometimes the right person doesn't love you back. Or sometimes the r...
The wise person has long ears and a short tongue.
Knowledge, humbles a great person, astonishes the common, and puffs up the small.
And God does have a personality. He can't hide from us. His personality shines through every Hebrew letter, on every page. Sometimes we forget that God is a person--not a fleshly person, but a person nonetheless. (page iii)
A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: 'Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?' We...
You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being.
The hardest person to wake up is the person who is already awake.
As the person who has health is young, so the person who owes nothing is rich.
