I'm the guy that made Joe DiMaggio famous.
I wasn't going to have enough money to pay for a Good Lifestyle, which meant I'd feel ashamed, which meant I'd get depressed, and that was the big one because I knew what that did to me: it made it so I wouldn't get out of bed, which led to the ultim...
No,” he agreed. “You’re not. She never caused me this agony.” What could I say to that? The way he was looking at me was making my head feel funny. Was making me feel funny and not just in that oh God I just almost died way. Christophe leaned...
Life is funny sometimes. Of course it isn’t as funny as smashing your brand new Mustang convertible into your house and having your life flash before your eyes. Sitting here in my car in the middle of my den, I can't help but think that things coul...
New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're th...
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch.
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick.
Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's making new records. Suck on , Partnership for a Drug-Free America!
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal fren...
New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?
New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!
New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust.
New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough.
New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House--until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel.
Nothing. That's why it's funny. It's so bad I just think it's funny,' Renee says, tilting her head back so the chips don't fall out of her mouth. ‘Do you really?’ ‘If I don’t laugh about it what else will I do?’ She doesn’t actually laugh...
Star-Lord: Here you go. [Quill presents the prosthetic leg Rocket requested] Rocket Raccoon: Oh, I was just kidding about the leg. I just need these two things. Star-Lord: What? Rocket Raccoon: [laughing] No, I thought it'd be funny! Was it funny? No...
Vaughan Cunningham: I'm just going to say it. I'm gay. Does that surprise you that I'm gay? You know what gay is, don't you? Karl: I don't reckon. Vaughan Cunningham: [quietly] Homosexual. I like men sexually. Karl: Not funny 'ha-ha', funny queer. Va...
Young Charlie: Your picking us as an average family kind of gave me a funny feeling. Jack Graham: What kind of a funny feeling? Young Charlie: Oh, I don't know. I guess I don't like to be an average girl in an average family. Jack Graham: Average fam...
Funny + sad is what I'm pitching for, every time.
Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
