There are billions of men in the world, probably millions near my age. Maybe hundreds who are compatible with me. Maybe at least a dozen who would want to date me. There's got to be at least five on the continent whom I could probably marry. So why a...
If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel. So to repay them, I’d probably relocate all the urinals to inside the wind tunnel. That would teach those guys to never move my desk from the...
My best friend Jerry started a boat-washing business, and it was one of the most critical experiences of my life. I got to meet a lot of people who were entrepreneurs. My parents were schoolteachers, and I was now meeting people who owned companies. ...
By the way, don’t thank me for saving you, thank the lifeguards. If it was up to me, I would’ve just carried you off to the building by the boardwalk that said SURGERY. I’m sorry, but there’s a big difference between a family doctor treating ...
I started in the club route. I did the alternative scene later on. When I lived in New York, I did the Luna Lounge and stuff, where Janeane Garofalo and David Cross and all those guys worked out of, but I came from a comedy club background. I'm proud...
Jimmy Carter was - he still - he remains to this day America's most ex of ex-presidents. You just can't believe that we elected this doofus. He was a bright enough guy and sort of well-meaning. But he was about as prepared to be president of the Unit...
He's the kind of guy who might not have an expiration date. Who I could fall for so completely that I might as well put my heart in a blender right now because it would hurt less. Who I could want with the kind of passion that makes you forget import...
I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, ...
Is it just me, or is that guy the coolest boyfriend ever invented?" "It’s not just you." And there was that same dull pain-the one I get sometimes when I see the two of them together and realize I’ll never have that. I gave Amanda a smile. "He’...
I've never really been star struck. I was a little bit taken aback when I was doing a chat show recently and I was sat in the make-up chair chatting to a guy say next to me but I couldn't look round and see who it was, it was only when I got up I rea...
It's kind of nice in some ways having an Olympic Trials where I finished second. You can kind of go in more under the radar facing a 2:03 guy and facing a lot of dudes who are faster than I am, whereas, before Beijing, I had one of the top 10 times i...
Applying parents values back to them allot of the time is like trying to pay back a guy who is a counterfeiter with his own counterfeit bills. "No, your supposed to think this is real money. I know it's not. I'm only pretending this is real money to ...
So many artists today will talk about green this or organic that, but you know what? What we are eating, I think, is really doing a lot of bad to us. I'm not sure if I'm the guy to do it right now, because I have to clean up my house too, so to speak...
I hate everyone because everyone's same as others; and everyone hates me because I'm unique. They hate me because I have a heart; which gets hurt every time but at the end of the day it gets heal in a hope that next day wont be same as this one. So d...
Can I jump over two or three guys like I used to? No. Am I as fast as I used to be? No, but I still have the fundamentals and smarts. That's what enables me to still be a dominant player. As a kid growing up, I never skipped steps. I always worked on...
I’ve always felt that a manager has achieved a great deal when he’s able to motivate one other person. When it comes to making the place run, motivation is everything. You might be able to do the work of two people, but you can’t be two people....
I look at decisions like - it's like an Indiana Jones movie. The guy comes to a rope ladder, and he's being chased. There's uncertainty on the other side, but he knows when he gets to the other side, he's going to take his machete and cut the rope la...
white middle-upper class guys in highly educated families have a unique burden placed on us to be the hero of every story that we tell. I don’t think it’s merely that we’re self-centered and arrogant, but that we feel like we’re supposed to b...
My type is really young, short, athletic, and smart. I know, you want to be with someone who's going to be your friend - yeah, yeah, yeah. I want the Adonis line, the two down the hips to the waist. And a guy has to be able to accept criticism about ...
Being in the industry, I've seen many situations where someone will get the call from the network where they say 'You guys have 5 episodes to wrap it up.' Then all your long-term story arcs gotta get wrapped up in five episodes because that's how man...
I’ll take her home. You guys finish … whatever … you were doing.” She glances to me, a slight blush on her face. I tug Cash’s borrowed shirt down, hiding my red ass cheek. The spatula is still in his hand. He’s only wearing boxers. Dear L...
