What happened when you woke up?" "I was having a dream. I don’t know what it was, but when I woke up, I had this awful realization that I was awake. It hit me like a brick in the groin." "Like a brick in the groin, I see." "I didn't want to wake up...
New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, faili...
New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn’t. And you hav...
New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear tho...
Martha: What did you just say? Troy: I said the Valium you gave to Simon wasn't actually Valium. It's an hallucinogenic concoction. You know, stuff like acid, mescaline, a little ketamine. Martha: This isn't funny, Troy. Troy: I'm not being funny. Lo...
The best teacher is very interactive.
I travel a lot. I'm on the move.
Rocco: [shouts] Fuck it! There's so much shit that pisses me off! You guys should recruit, 'cause I'm sick and fucking tired of walking down the street, waiting for one of these crack-piping, ass-wiping, motherless lowlifes to get me! Murphy: Hallelu...
I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.
It's funny isn't it, how everything's changing all time. Nothing stays still.
The first thing that I learned - and I understood it at a really young age - was that I could get a laugh. Really early. Because my mother and father are funny.
All of my favorite actresses are comedians at heart: Shirley MacLaine and Madeline Kahn, Diane Keaton and Debra Winger. And they are all amazing dramatic actresses, but everything they do is funny.
My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you.
Funny how someone can be so beautiful and totally fucked up at the same time.
He didn't laugh when he thought something was funny--he laughed when he was happy.
Funny how much we all suffer trying to spare others a bit of pain.
If you can't laugh at yourself, maybe you're not funny
Even if it’s a really funny joke, don’t laugh if the devil’s the one telling it!
For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up.
My father was funnier than me. My father was Richard Pryor-funny. I'm just a better businessman.
You can't really be strong until you can see a funny side to things.
