I want to write a book called, “Son, I’m dying,” where I visualize the day my estranged dad calls me out of the blue to tell me he is dying, and in as many ways as possible I’ll offer up various responses to that.
How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like a cat.
A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a hairy situation. Cats are masters at using their ...
I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it isn’t right and it pisses me off. I was backstabbed by myself.
I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy.
The big, burly oaf offended my girl, so without hesitation I rushed to her defense. I did, however, make a few stops along the way, and by the time I got home and back, the dispute was settled and she had found another way home.
In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I decided to eat him.
Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was only the third president, he might be surprised to learn that today. I myself just learned it yesterday.
I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why I also bash the Democrats, so I can piss off the other half of the population too.
I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people at their service? I’d get to live like a king, only I’d be voted in by my servants, rather than by God. And by God life would be good...
I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with my clone as a source of what I wrote.
Dr. Chuck “Chuckles” Gigglebrooks, lead researcher at the National Association of Laughter Studies, had this conclusion to draw about why people laugh: “It’s fun!” I only hope it didn’t take a government grant to achieve this scientific b...
If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need to know is printed right on my ass.
I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the manager knew. What, did I have to go to Harvard to get the kind of connections necessary to get an $8.00/hr job?
Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a ...
After that day, I discovered one indelible truth. I discovered that love wasn’t everything that mattered in life. It was an emotion that not many had the luxury of feeling without any pain attached to it. Many say that love will set you free, but I...
He said: 'You don't understand. We never thought that we were being used to conquer people. Not at all: we thought the opposite. We were told that we were freeing those people. That is what they said—that we were going to set those people free from...
The Christian is free from all other human beings. He does not have to live over against others, controlled by their actions and responses. Rather, he lives according to Christ's commands. This is Christian freedom. It is a freedom unknown by others....
Still is just the right way to be. You rise in the morning to go about your day. You remember a friend who has troubles. You don't quibble with yourself about whether to call her; you don't write a reminder on your Palm Pilot or in your planner to ma...
Christians . . . ought not to be threatened by fantasy and imagination. Great painting is not "photographic": think of the Old Testament art commanded by God. There were blue pomegranates on the robes of the priest who went into the Holy of Holies. I...
There is a part of me that no one ever sees. I hide behind a mask of heavy make-up and ever-changing hair and clothing. I try to reinvent myself. It doesn’t work. There are times when I am bone-crushingly sad. I just want to curl into a ball and hi...
