1st Stansfield man: [finds pizza among Matilda's guns] Lunch. 2nd Stansfield man: Careful Blood. Might be poisoned. 1st Stansfield man: No, no anchovies on this.
Rose: Teach me to ride like a man. Jack: And chew tobacco like a man. Rose: And spit like a man! Jack: What, they didn't teach you that in finishing school?
A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician does his patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant.
I've done movies for certain reasons; I did 'Anaconda' because the black man lives. Simple. The black man isn't dead in the first three pages, like Jurassic Park. It's like, 'The black man kills the snake with a Latino girl? Damn! I got to do this.'
[last lines] Man in the street: I'm ready to [beep] Man in the street: my [beep] Man in the street: on. OK? I'm ready to get busy too. You know, I'm ready to get *busy*.
Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly and without reservation that he is in error.
Here is the real domino theory - gay man to gay man, bisexual man to straight woman, addict mother to newborn baby, they all fall down and someday it will come to you.
ABC of a wonderful life: A man of the right ATTITUDE is GOOD; A man of the right ATTITUDE+the correct BEHAVIOR is BETTER; But, a man of the right ATTITUDE+the correct BEHAVIOR +an upright CHARACTER is THE BEST human.
Michael Rafferty was a good man. A solid man. He was never going to be Hugh Jackman handsome or Bill Gates rich or King of England powerful. But he was hers and he was Sean's and that was more than enough
I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an allowance. But that’ll end soon. By age 30, in just a few months, they said it’d be time for me to earn a living. I guess that means they’ll want me...
I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because ...
I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went and inhabited the body of my clone. So I wasn’t in my body, and yet I was. Or maybe none of that happened, and I was just in a d...
I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter, which is about what this book is worth—give or take 25 cents.
I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the sta...
If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend comedy before bed. The tenth doctor, having just read Tolstoy as deliberately mistranslated by Dora J. Arod, would probably recommen...
Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!).
I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airpor...
What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has to make money the hard way—by producing a good or service that others willingly want to buy. That’s why the pr...
I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in the hopes they don’t vote for him. Or ...
Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get to keep your intelligence, integrity, loyalty, and honesty, whereas any other politician in real life would be totally v...
Losing a belief in free will has not made me fatalistic—in fact, it has increased my feelings of freedom. My hopes, fears, and neuroses seem less personal and indelible. There is no telling how much I might change in the future. Just as one wouldn�...
