I grew up on movie sets, so it was something I just found familiar. When I was growing up also, in high school, I would audition for things and my parents let me audition for things - with the thought that I wouldn't get them. And then I would get th...
I was enrolled in divinity school and thought I was going to become a minister - I'm Episcopalian - but I was disavowed of that notion pretty quickly while working at the hospital. I found myself really unfulfilled by the answers that are traditional...
'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' is my first book, and it's the fulfillment of a life-long dream. I had always wanted to be a cartoonist, but I found that it was very tough to break into the world of newspaper syndication. So I started playing with a style tha...
Many of Judy Blume's books - which I devoured when I was growing up and where I found characters that were believable because they were a lot like me - caused considerable consternation when they were first published, but now they're widely accepted ...
Had a dog. I had many. I grew up in rural Washington before I moved to the Twin Cities in Minnesota, and my first dog was - his name first was Bear, but then it changed to Big, and he sort of looked like Old Yeller. And then we also had a three-legge...
People can have so many ill-conceived ideas about me based on the parts that I play. I've had guys, when I've been single, come out of the woodwork to date me and I've found out very quickly that they were expecting some kind of whirlwind, some drama...
From the happy-go-lucky days of oil exploration and drilling, when a lot of easy sources were being found and easily managed, we're gotten ourselves into this sort of apocalyptic time. We're willing to destroy almost everything, risk almost anything,...
Wherever we are, any time of night or day, our bosses, junk-mailers, our parents can get to us. Sociologists have actually found that in recent years Americans are working fewer hours than 50 years ago, but we feel as if we're working more. We have m...
One time I was doing a speech to a group of kids, and just before I get there, I see this little kid crying. I found out they just lost a game, and he was the losing pitcher. I went over there, put my arm around him, and said, 'What are you crying fo...
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on...
Commissioner Gillian B. Loeb: [regarding The Joker's threat on his life] You're unlikely to discover this for yourself, so take my word, the police commissioner gets a lot of threats. I found the appropriate response to these situations a long time a...
[at the Firing Range, Pvt. Pyle is shooting at the targets, doing an impressive job while Hartman watches] Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Outstanding, Private Pyle. I think we finally found something that you do well. Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gandhi: Where there's injustice, I always believed in fighting. The question is, do you fight to change things or to punish? For myself, I've found we're all such sinners, we should leave punishment to God. And if we really want to change things, the...
Doug Billings: At least our trip wasn't a total loss. Alan Garner: Why do you say that? Doug Billings: While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boy...
Kanji: I have less than a year to live. When I found that out... somehow I was drawn to you. Once when I was a child, I almost drowned. It's just like that feeling. Darkness everywhere, and nothing for me to hold onto, no matter how hard I try. There...
Aragorn: The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid. Theoden: And Rohan will answer. Muster the Rohirrim. Assemble the army at Dunharrow. As many men as can be found. You have two days. On the third, we ride for Gondor... ...
Max Jerry Horovitz: Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're an atheist, they're l...
Clown: [singing] [looking at a present Jack brought] Clown: It's a bat! Man Under the Stairs: [singing] Will it bend? Clown: [singing] It's a rat! Man Under the Stairs: [singing] Will it break? Undersea Gal: [singing] Perhaps it's the head that I've ...
Ed Tom Bell: Here last week they found this couple out in California. They rent out rooms for old people, kill'em, bury'em in the yard, cash their social security checks. Well, they'd tortur'em first, I don't know why. Maybe the television set was br...
Jill: But... but those were his men. Harmonica: Yeah. Jill: And they tried to kill him. Harmonica: They must've found someone who pays better. Jill: And you... You saved his life! Harmonica: I didn't let them kill him, and that's not the same thing.
M: I know I can't do this job forever, but I'll be damned if I'm going to leave the department in worse shape than I found it. Gareth Mallory: M, you've had a great run. You should leave with dignity. M: Oh, to hell with dignity. I'll leave when the ...
