I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of...
Writers are liars, my dear, surely you know that by now? And yet, things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.
I had a dream about you. The ice melted so quickly in our relationship that I didn’t even have a chance to tell you I loved you. So I just sat there, alone, slurping up what was left of us in a straw.
I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter.
I had a dream about you. You were trying to perfect the art of sexual intercourse, and I offered you the use of one of my statues to practice on. Artists have to stick together, even if one artist is sticking it to another artist’s work.
I had a dream last night I was awake through the pregnancy but I fell asleep at birth when I awoke I was Pinocchio and stuck inside a tree, does that mean I don't have to listen to jazz anymore?
I had a dream about you. We were business partners. We had a pizza parlor/urinal repair shop, and to our great surprise we had no customers. Some businesses fail because they’re simply ahead of their time.
I had a dream about you. We were shoveling dollar bills and used diapers and laughing like children. I was dancing like I had a fog machine in my pants, and I did, which is my moves were so mysterious.
I had a dream about you. You wanted to go shopping for shoes, and I suggested we go to the bowling alley. Where else can you go to rent such stylish shoes and have a FREE game of bowling thrown in?
I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.
I had a dream about you. We were trying to climb a mountain, and I kept pushing you to keep going. I felt like the greatest motivational mentor who’s ever tried to climb Mt. Everest piggyback style.
I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.
I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt the bars protected me from them.
I had a dream about you. I said, “The sex train leaves in three minutes and lasts for three minutes. Hop on!” You replied, “No thanks. I think I’ll catch a cab.” Well, you did catch a cab, and then you caught syphilis.
I had a dream about you. You were a florist, and I was a floorist. You thought you were more romantic than me, but I knew all the barefoot women in the Nicholas Sparks fan club would disagree.
I had a dream about you. We were debating the nature of love, and you said it was invisible, and I said it was the color of gold. You accused me of being a banker, and I accosted you for it. Nobody calls me a banker and lives to tell about it.
I had a dream about you. We were laying down asphalt, and you said we were building a future together. Then I watched as a chicken crossed over our work, and I said, “No, we are building a joke.”
I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was taunting because you were a loser.
I had a dream about you. You wanted to be like Amelia Earhart, and I took you to mean you were trying to find yourself. Then I understood what you were telling me, and I sold you an invisible airplane.
I had a dream I was in an old woman's closet peeing on a giant shoe. Sorry grandma I thought it was the bathroom. I hate vacations where someone carries you out of the car and puts you in a bed that smells like mothballs.
I had a dream about you. You were learning how to swim, and I was learning how to drown. We each studied the other’s technique. Swimming and drowning and both of us doing both taught us a lot about love.
