People change for each other all the time. Take any love story, any great love story at all, and you'll see that people have to be willing to change if they're going to make things work out. Like Shrek, when Fiona tells Shrek that she's sick of his b...
Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia's son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated way too much for a healthy child; but then Garnett, given hi...
Raven Darkholme: "Mutant and proud." Professor Charles Xavier: What? Raven Darkholme: Or is it the with pretty mutations, or invisible ones like yours? But if you're a freak, you better hide. Professor Charles Xavier: You're being ridiculous. I don't...
Rumack: Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous syste...
Remember when only a few people had mobile phones. Generally regarded as an object of derision, you would occasionally see business types clutching those ridiculous grey bricks to their faces and mutter to yourself 'what a prick.' Nowadays, an eyebro...
I had a dream about you. We were out to dinner I am guessing it was our first date, because I was so nervous and had to sneeze but was trying to hold back because my sneezes can be very obnoxious. I could no longer hold it back and upon sneezing I fa...
That's what most people don't realize; that's why one out of every two marriages fail. Because people go into them with hearts in their eyes and forever on their lips and no concept whatsoever of what that truly means. Of course it's going to be hard...
It is impossible to maintain fantasy in the face of true emotional intimacy. Fantasy alienates, disconnects, and isolates people. Fantasy and cults isolate people. Fantasy is a cult. Weather that fantasy is nationalism, racism, or religiosity. It iso...
Nero, you are an example to all the children on this shuttle. Because most of them are so foolish, they think it is better to keep their stupidest thoughts to themselves. You, however, understand the profound truth that you must reveal your stupidity...
What do we do if we come across trouble, sir?' Cahill asked, slapping at a fly. 'As much as I enjoy giving the rebel turds a walloping, it should be down to the Militia to keep the buggers in check.' 'They are doing their job,' Mullone said, glancing...
[the Chief Bosun and Werner enter the petty officer's quarters] Pilgrim: Morning, Lieutenant. Chief Bosun: So, the petty officers sleep here. Twelve men. When one's on duty, the other sleeps in his stink. [Pilgrim and Frenssen laugh] Chief Bosun: Yea...
See, forgiveness doesn't happen all at once. It's not an event -- it's a process. Forgiveness happens while you're asleep, while you're dreaming, while you're inline at the coffee shop, while you're showering, eating, farting, jerking off. It happens...
Music has become more pervasive and portable than ever. But it feels less previous in the bargain. I don't want to confuse artistic and commercial value, but it's just a fact that some kid who rips an album for free isn't going to give it the same at...
Poor innocent little lambie," God said, shaking his head. "Telion. I made you people in My Image. I swear, and drink, and have sex. I even burp and fart, but I damn sure don't snore. You seriously think I mind if people I made to reflect me act like ...
Things can get tough out there. I am in no way saying life is easy and we should breeze through it like a fart through silk filter; we are going to take our lumps and deal with our own unique adversity. What I am saying is that in all the chaos, reme...
There are all kinds of pedants around with more time to read and imitate Lynne Truss and John Humphrys than to write poems, love-letters, novels and stories it seems. They whip out their Sharpies and take away and add apostrophes from public signs, s...
Gru: Clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch ANYTHING. Margo: Aha. What about the floor? Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor. Margo: What about the air? Gru: Yes, you may touch the air. Edith: What about this? [holds a ra...
Warden Samuel Norton: [after Andy escapes] Well? Red: Well what? Warden Samuel Norton: I see you two all the time, you're thick as thieves, you are. He musta said *something*. Red: Honest, Warden, not a word. Warden Samuel Norton: [frustrated] Lord, ...
The fight unfolded like background noise. White noise. In the foreground, even with his ghastly pale face looking dead in my hands, my fingers clenching his ragged hair, all I could see was random images of Fang, Fang telling me stupid fart jokes fro...
