To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic car...
It’s day number six after Agatha broke up with me. I’ve taken over seven hundred pictures documenting my emotions as reflected by my facial expressions. I think the one that most accurately sums up how I feel is image number 389. I call it “Cer...
Tigress: Shifu loved Tai Lung like he had never loved anyone before... or since. And now, he has a chance to make things right. To train the true Dragon Warrior. And he's stuck with you. A big, fat, panda, who treats it like a joke. [Po makes a sudde...
Clara: Now, is it true that you've been injecting yourself with semen from baby pigs? Riggan: I'm sorry, what? Clara: As a method of facial rejuvenation. Riggan: Where did you read that? Clara: It was tweeted by @prostatewhispers. Riggan: No, that's ...
I bet I've noticed features on you that you have yet to distort in your imagination or discover. Remember how much I stared haha I was enamored with the simple things about you, so I did make note of your jawline and various facial features. I made n...
The man raised his glass, 'To you!' Can't you think of a wittier toast?' Something was beginning to irritate him about the girl's game. Now sitting face to face with her, he realized it wasn't just the which were turning her into a stranger, but that...
It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He wasn’t talking about women being overly dramatic. He was in fact referring to the proper placement of toilet paper. And I agree to a c...
Death is a personal matter, arousing sorrow, despair, fervor, or dry-hearted philosophy. Funerals, on the other hand, are social functions. Imagine going to a funeral without first polishing the automobile. Imagine standing at a graveside not dressed...
Mystery Man: Call Me. Dial your number. Go ahead. [Fred dials the number and the Mystery Man answers] Mystery Man: [over the phone] I told you I was here. Fred Madison: [amused] How'd you do that? Mystery Man: Ask me. [Fred's facial expression turns ...
that was bad; i shouldn't have done that to prevent you from entering a catatonic state i am going to maintain a calm facial expression with crinkly eyes and an overall friendly demeanor i believe in a human being that is not upset i believe if you a...
Out from the servient shoulders of some smooth-tongued Waiter it stares, into the scared dilating pupils of the White Satin Bride with her pledged hand clutching her Bridegroom's sleeve. Up from the gravelly, pick-and-shovel labor of the new-made gra...
Patrick Bateman: I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my fac...
Don’t tell thin women to eat a cheeseburger. Don’t tell fat women to put down the fork. Don’t tell underweight men to bulk up. Don’t tell women with facial hair to wax, don’t tell uncircumcised men they’re gross, don’t tell muscular wom...
