Quotes of: Ever-after Keyword

When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven. I know, because I’ve been to Cleveland.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I was eight when I moved to Florida, and I thought, “Oh great, the retirement capital of the world. I’ll be dead within a decade.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

For me, a website would be user friendly if it gave me a handjob. It’d be doubly impressive if it were also a porn site, or government regulation compliance site.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks