I had a dream about you. We were waiting in line, and you were right in front of me. The line was three people long, and I felt like the bronze medalist of the Checkout Championship. You must have felt like a winner, because you didn’t seem to be i...
I had a dream about you. You took a cruise, and I took a canoe. I paddled alongside your ship out into the Atlantic Ocean and down to the Caribbean. I shouted “I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you w...
I had a dream about you. You were cooking me dinner, and I was standing by the stove questioning your every move. You found me ungrateful, and I found the number for Chinese takeout. I may not have wanted your food, but I still wanted your love. Your...
I had a dream about you. The blue sky matched the blue in your eyes, though you had a few more clouds in your irises. When you got sad, you didn’t cry—you rained, and that’s why I approached you to try to sell you a nose umbrella, something tha...
I had a dream about you. You had a bottle made of smoky glass, which made the contents appear mysterious, and I had the last smoky exhalation of a dead smoker in a Ziploc bag. I offered to trade my sandwich for your drink, but you said, “No thanks,...
I had a dream about you. You were wearing a spaghetti strainer as a helmet, and I said, “I demand you take my fishbowl off your head at once.” But the truth is it didn’t matter, because my fish had dried up and died weeks ago. That’s kind of ...
I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said no, because you didn’t want to infringe on your grandma’s sal...
I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there I wondered who is that guy, why are you on a leash, and who brought the baloney, ...
I had a dream about you. You wanted to make love to me, and I wanted to sell you a talking mannequin that looked like me. You said you didn’t pay for sex, and I said I didn’t sell to just anybody. But we both knew we were both lying.
I had a dream about you, you were trying to tell me a pipe had burst but, I did not want to be around you because I thought your feet smelt terrible. When I realized that the smell was mold you were already so hurt you no longer had any interest in s...
I had a dream about you. You loved me, and I loved you. We had an amazing life until you realized that I also loved your clone. You were jealous, and I didn’t see the problem—I was in love with you, even if it wasn’t you. Plus, I was in love wi...
I had a dream about you. You wanted to take a bath, and I wanted to take a shower. It started raining so we went in the lake so we could both win. Then you got struck by lightning, so I had to make love to someone else that night. I was very sad.
I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s room in a hurry. I’d rather buy my thinly sliced beef somewhere else.
I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a meltless popsicle, and you’d just created melted ice cream in a can—as a substitute for soup. You looked at me as if I was some sort of creep, and I looked at you through binoculars, while sitting in...
I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t alone in thinking that—so were the other 49% of the population that didn’t...
I had a dream about you, I had come home late at night and you were on the couch with your arms raised as if you were reaching for the sky when I asked what you were doing, you replied "Getting better reception on the TV" I am now convinced you are a...
I had a dream you stopped by the shop and helped us get more followers for Facebook and twitter. And then you showed up tomorrow and were like “here!” and you threw 5000 likes on me and it felt like slugs. And smelled like fried chicken. I was so...
I had a dream about you. You were a dolphin in a fur coat, and I was your shrink telling you that you were experiencing feelings of mammal inadequacies. You thought instead of paying me, your money would be better spent on sex, and I agreed. So I sol...
I had a dream about you. I walked by and you whistled like I was a piece of meat. And I was a piece of meat—I was a thin slice of ham. You were two pieces of bread, so we made love like most mothers make lunch for their kids. That sounded dirtier t...
I had a dream about you. You were a smile salesman, and I was in the market for a new grin. When you told me your prices, I thought it was a joke and I started to laugh. Then I realized you’d just given me your product for free, and I walked away w...
I had a dream about you. You listened quietly as I told my idea for an invention that could dry your hair with in minutes of getting out of the bath. After giving you my pitch you said "Like a blow dryer" I became so embarrassed that I put my head in...
