What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.
Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid.
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
It's a funny habit to write encyclopedia entries. It's not a mass taste.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
The knowledge of God is very far from the love of Him.
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
Not on one strand are all life's jewels strung.
Life's more amusing than we thought.
Pain is life - the sharper, the more evidence of life.
We do not remember days, we remember moments.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
One should not confuse the craving for life with endorsement of it.
The greatest pleasure of life is love.
