A while back, when Dick & Barry & I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you *are* like, Barry proposed the idea of a questionnaire for potential partners, a 2 or 3 page multiple-choice document that covered all the music/film/T...
If I was gay, I wouldn't need an asterisk beside my name. I could stop worrying if the girl I like will bounce when she finds out I also like dick. I could have a coming-out party without people thinking I just want attention. I wouldn't have to expl...
In school I ended up writing three different papers on "The Castaway" section of Moby-Dick, the chapter where the cabin boy Pip falls overboard and is driven mad by the empty immensity of what he finds himself floating in. And when I teach school now...
But let me just say that talking dirty is so important in sex. And it’s pretty easy. To wit: establish from the very beginning that you like this. And trust me, you want to do it early on. Because if you wait too long to introduce the concept, your...
What is clear is that Scripture requires both head and heart, and you need to see it not just as a text but as the very words of God. This will encourage you to pay close attention to the very words he uses, but it will also compel you to feast on th...
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon. Our government's got a war on drugs....But get this: The two most widely abused and addictive and destructive of...
I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries." "Oh, come on. You know you want to." D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin'...
It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male on...
Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you. Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me. Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumm...
Constance Harraway: You wanna tell me what's up? David Gale: Nothing. Everything. Something profoundly stupid happened last night. Constance Harraway: I hope you used a condom. [David looks at Constance] Constance Harraway: Oh Jesus Christ, David. Wa...
Mr. White: [snatches Joe's address book] Give me this fucking thing. Joe: What do you think you're doing? Give me back my book! Mr. White: I'm sick of fucking hearing it Joe, I'll give it back to you when we leave. Joe: What do you mean, give it to m...
It's hard to have a serious conversation with you when you're wearin' lighted cocks on your head." AJ defiantly thrust out her chin and the penises bobbled. "We aren't having a conversation. You're give me tough-guy attitude. If you won't acknowledge...
The sea had jeeringly kept his finite body up, but drowned the infinite of his soul. Not drowned entirely, though. Rather carried down alive to wondrous depths, where strange shapes of the unwarped primal world glided to and fro before his passive ey...
[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman] Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy". Cartman: Doggy. Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana". Cartman: Montana. Dr. Vosknoc...
Stan Gursky: Alonzo, heard you had an expensive weekend in Vegas. How did you ever screw up so bad? Alonzo: Hey, I didn't know. It's not my town. I'm not omniscient. Lou Jacobs: The Russians don't care if you have a badge. They'll whack you. You ough...
Alonzo Harris: You hear that, homey? You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? Huh? Crackhead #1: What you think? Alonzo Harris: They got room for you at the booty house, you ever been to the booty house. Big boys have you grab you ankles... Crackhe...
I want to make love to you, Rhone. I want to fill your ass with my penis and fuck you until you love it just as much as I do. I want to suck your dick and eat your balls until your cum coats my tongue and throat. I want you to do the same to me. I wa...
But though, to landsmen in general, the native inhabitants of the seas have ever regarded with emotions unspeakably unsocial and repelling; though we know the sea to be an everlasting terra incognita, so that Columbus sailed over numberless unknown w...
She remembered one of her boyfriends asking, offhandedly, how many books she read in a year. "A few hundred," she said. "How do you have the time?" he asked, gobsmacked. She narrowed her eyes and considered the array of potential answers in front of ...
And when Mary nodded, Pauline said, "You'd better hurry then, you know how how is," and laughed to show she would not be married to bald John Keane for all the tea in China. In her laugh was every confidence Mary had ever shared with Pauline about he...
I believe in evil, but all my life I've gone back and forth about whether or not there's an outside evil, whether or not there's a force in the world that really wants to destroy us, from the inside out, individually and collectively. Or whether it a...
