[Evelle is buying diapers] Evelle: You know how to put these things on? Grocer: Well, around the butt and up over the groin area. Evelle: I know WHERE they go, old timer. I just want to know if I need pins or fasteners. Grocer: Well, no, they got the...
[Ralph returns to Vanellope with the fixed go-kart] Wreck-It Ralph: I know, I know, I know. I'm an idiot. Vanellope von Schweetz: And? Wreck-It Ralph: A real numb-skull? Vanellope von Schweetz: And? Wreck-It Ralph: A selfish diaper-baby. Vanellope vo...
Ethan chuckled and pulled his child close. "However, it might be nice if you gave your Uncle Satan blue skin tomorrow. He would love that." The gasps in the room were hilarious. My Vampyre was evil to the core…I bit my lip to keep from screaming or...
I refuse to dedicate my life to posterity. Surely one owes as much to the current generation as to one's unwanted children. What a fate - to grow rotund and unseemly, to lose my self-love, to think in terms of milk, oatmeal, nurse, diapers. ...Dear d...
But playing your music as loud as you want and coming home drunk aren't real life. Real life, it turns out, is diapers and lawnmowers, decks that need painting, a wife that needs to be listened to, kids that need to be taught right from wrong, a chec...
Here are the two states in which you may exist: person who writes, or person who does not. If you write: you are a writer. If you do not write: you are not. Aspiring is a meaningless null state that romanticizes Not Writing. It’s as ludicrous as sa...
Tre Styles: [knocking on Sheryl's door] Sheryl! Come on! [Sheryl enters] Tre Styles: Keep your baby off the street. She gonna get hit one of these days. Sheryl: You got some blow? You got some rock? I'll suck your dick. Tre Styles: Just keep the baby...
I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and 3% orange juice, for a chaser. That formula is accurate, give or take 2% for the milk. In my experience, comedy is 2/3rds t...
I wanted to feel the blood running back into my veins, even at the cost of annihilation. I wanted to shake the stone and light out of my system. I wanted the dark fecundity of nature, the deep well of the womb, silence, or else the lapping of the bla...
Do I have to get diapers?” he asked. “Why, did Kade shit himself?” she laughed. Dylan huffed loudly. Eyebrows knitted together, “DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?” Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, “Don’t you think i...
Anybodys, Tomboy: [pretending to shoot A-rab] POW, POW! A-Rab: Cracko jacko. Down goes a teenage hoodlum. [drops to the ground] Baby John: Gee. Could a real zip gun make you do like that? Anybodys, Tomboy: You don't know what a zip gun would do? Man,...
Allison: I'm in the midst of doing my thesis. Alvy Singer: On what? Allison: Political commitment in twentieth century literature. Alvy Singer: You, you, you're like New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis Univ...
Okay, more disclosure. I'm not a fugitive at the moment, but I might become one. I don't know if I'm going back for a trial. I can't go to prison and leave the twins alone. We'll leave before it comes to that. I don't want to get you in trouble." Hil...
Hey, Melissa-is there anything I should know about having this kid that isn't in the books I've been reading?" Sunlight streamed through the window, making the golden, hormone-induced mutton chops glisten upon my cheeks. As I waited for her answer, I...
The woman next to you that looks really bad might be going through the toughest challenge ever with her teenage daughter; think about if it were you in her shoes before gossiping about her. The man at the checkout line using change may have lost his ...
Jöns: It's hell with women and hell without women. No matter how you reason it seems like the logic thing to do is to kill them while it's still fun. Blacksmith Plog: Bickering and swill! Jöns: Screaming babies and diapers full of piss! Blacksmith ...
