I decided sitcoms weren't for me.
But if I decide to decide there’s a different, less selfish, less lonely point to my life, won’t the reason for this decision be my desire to be less lonely, meaning to suffer less overall pain? Can the decision to be less selfish ever be anythin...
What kind of person actually sits down and decides that no one should be allowed to end a sentence with a preposition? Not even decide what ideas you should or shouldn't talk about, but to actually make rules about what order to put your words in... ...
Even if you know you're sleeping, you're still at the mercy of your dreams. People who are asleep can't simply decide to wake up. Nightmares don't let you off that easily. They hold you in their clutches until they decided, in their own good time, to...
I was living at home until about 27 and decided it was time to move out and move somewhere else, so that's what I did. I wanted it to be the right thing to do. I didn't want to buy something out of my price range; I didn't want to be stupid with my m...
I had discovered long ago the first lesson of political courage: to think anew. I had then learned the second: to be prepared to lead and to decide. I was now studying the third: how to take the calculated risk. I was going to alienate some people, l...
Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. Lord, lord, l...
In the small central square of Ljubljana, the statue of the poet stares fixedly at something. If you follow his gaze, you will see, on the other side of the square, the face of a woman carved into the stone of one of the houses. That was where Julia ...
I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.
A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.
I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.
I want to move to Hollywood and audition for parts just so I can say, “I’m not an actor. I just play one on TV.
Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.
You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.
I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.
She probably thinks I have the clothes of a millionaire. And I do, but they’re still on his body, which is still in the trunk of my car.
I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.
I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.
If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.
If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.
The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?
