My first 'Daily Show' piece was pretending I had this terrible immigrant journey, so I went to talk to an immigration lawyer who would help out people, and I ran into him in Penn Station about three months after I'd gotten the green card. I said, 'I ...
Sometimes the heart weakens the individual that makes him/her do things he/she wouldn't normally do. Following ones heart varies by situations, but should never be followed when making decisions on critical situations. The heart is full of love and c...
I say to you all, once again -- in the light of Lord Voldemort's return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. Lord Voldemort's gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equal...
It’s a shame publishers send rejection slips. Writers should get something more substantial than a slip that amounts to a pile of confetti. Publishers should send something heavier. Editors should send out rejection bricks, so at the end of a lot o...
The very first day that Hillary came over, we were working on a song called 'All We'd Ever Need.' But we never even thought about it until we had written 5, 6, 7 songs. Then we played our first show, and we all enjoyed it so much. We felt like it was...
Well, I don't ever get excited. I haven't been excited since I got a Chopper bicycle when I was about 12. Once you get older you realise there's always a catch to everything. So when I get, say, a commission to make a TV show, the catch is that you h...
You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows...
In what terms should we think of these beings, nonhuman yet possessing so very many human-like characteristics? How should we treat them? Surely we should treat them with the same consideration and kindness as we show to other humans; and as we recog...
Today you are encouraged to accept your failures. When you are willing to fail miserably, you are able to achieve greatly. Admitting your mistakes and weaknesses doesn’t diminish your strength, it shows your courage and maturity. Sometimes you just...
We are all powerless to heal ourselves. Research shows that self-help statements have been found to be ineffective and even harmful by making some people with low self-esteem feel even worse about themselves in the long term.39 As a matter of fact, p...
[Louis and Melanie are looking at a picture] Melanie: That's Japan. Louis: Uh, looks like... I can... It shows... Melanie: Wanna fuck? Louis: Yeah. [three minutes later] Melanie: That was fun. Louis: Yeah, that hit the spot. Melanie: Now, we can catc...
Joker: [shows up unexpectedly at Vicki's place] Miss me? Nice place you've got here. Lots of space. Uh, Vicki, we've really got to have a talk. I'm very upset. We were having dinner. I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman. And without so much ...
Dorleac: And if you're thinking just now 'Why me, oh God?' the answer is: God has nothing to do with it. In fact, God is never in France this time of year. Edmond: God has everything to do with it. He's everywhere. He sees everything. Dorleac: Alrigh...
Wallace: [Falling down bed into hole] I'm in the mood for food! [Wallace gets stuck in the hole] Wallace: Uh, Gromit old pal, it happened again. I'll need assistance. [Gromit slowly walks towards a switch cleverly marked "assistance" and pulls it. Ca...
Reverend Clement Hedges: Protect and nourish the frail and the weak, O Lord. Let them grow big and strong under Thy loving care. [Pull back to show him "blessing" his vegetables] Reverend Clement Hedges: In fact, let them grow bigger and stronger tha...
Agnes: [after rehearing for the Mother's Day play] I don't think I should do this. Gru: Well, what do you mean? Why not? Agnes: I don't even have a mom. Gru: Well, you don't need one to do the show. I mean, you did the Veteran's Day pageant and you h...
Roger: Come on, Martinez. Wooley: Yeah, Martinez! Show your greasy little Puerto Rican ass so I can blow it right off! [Cocks his gun] Wooley: Blow ALL their asses off! Low-life bastards! Blow ALL their low-life little Puerto Rican and Nigger asses r...
The Joker: [to Det. Stephens] Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better th...
Mr. Perkins: Do you know where the shrink ray is? Vector: Duh? Back at my place. Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE IT! [shows vector the computer shot of Gru wi...
[Gru is showing Mr. Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel] Gru: I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toi-let what? [sees a child's drawing in his plans, of himself sitting on a toilet, signed by Edith, the girls...
